Being out

“Every gay person must come out. As difficult as it is, you must tell your immediate family,” said Supervisor Harvey Milk on one of the multiple instances he exhorted gay people to come out. “You must tell your relatives. You must tell your friends if indeed they are your friends. You must tell the people you work with. You must tell the people in the stores you shop in. Once they realize that we are indeed their children, that we are indeed everywhere, every myth, every lie, every innuendo will be destroyed once and all. And once you do, you will feel so much better.”

What it meant to be out in the 1970s meant being out in the brick-and-mortar world and being out was in and of itself a form of activism. If you were a gay or lesbian who’s gender expression didn’t result in being read relatively instantly as gay or lesbian; if you were a gay or lesbian who was perceived as straight by one’s relatives and coworkers, as well as the people you bought goods and services from, being out meant you opened yourself up to significant discrimination that you otherwise wouldn’t be subject to.

We live in different times. Today families are spread out about the state, nation and the world in ways unimaginable decades ago. Today many people’s friends are on the Internet, and are found on gaming or social media sites. Today one can buy many, many goods and services on the Internet without actually interacting with human beings. Many today even telecommute.

For the trans community, this changes a lot of what it means to be out. In a sense being out today can be a safer thing than it was in years past because the Internet provides anonymity. It can provide a means of living in more isolation from the world without losing complete connection to the world.

If one can afford that kind of isolation.

Being out isn’t necessarily an act of activism anymore because many can construct life in a way that minimizes contact with others in the brick-and-mortar world. Being out electronically means that one can be out without actually being out in the brick-and-mortar world. “Every myth, every lie, every innuendo” won’t be “destroyed once and all” because we are being out in ways that don’t create the interactions that change the hearts and minds of those who form the basis of national, state and local opinion or change the hearts and minds of those who sell products and services, as well as those who vote.

But there are worlds outside of the electronic world where we find people who are out have impact. It’s found in the “accidental” activism of students who are left to function in micro-societies that look more like the broader swath of local society than many of us adults live in. It’s on the streets and in the parks where homeless trans people live. It’s in blue collar jobs where many trans people work. It’s found at holiday gatherings of families where trans family members are or aren’t at the table.

Internet visibility matters and it would be foolish to say that it doesn’t. And being out on the Internet matters: one can change hearts and minds of one’s Internet friends just by being out.

But as for destroying myths and lies about trans people? That takes a lot of changing hearts and minds of those whom we only meet in physical places like family holiday tables, workplaces, and in malls and markets.

Trans visibility isn’t yet sufficient. We have a broader society that still knows so little of trans people that many are willing to believe the worst of them. If a trans person is out on the Internet, but not in the brick-and-mortar world, then the ability to change hearts and minds is limited.

Deciding how far to be out is a personal decision that has public policy consequences. The question trans people need to ask themselves is how much they want ordinary equality for themselves and those who come after them, and if that equality is worth being out in the brick-and-mortar world to achieve.