Out with 2014 should go the tired straight confession “I Really Learned to a Like a Homosexual.” These stories seem to be dying a natural death anyway but not quick enough for me. Let me drive a pink stake in the heart of these tired “true confessions” once and for all.
Straight homosexual ally stories fill blogs and print publications for the benefit of one: The straight making the confessional. Professionals, such as journalists, public speakers, and politicians, all with tight deadlines and Pride Month approaching, seek to be in the moment with the LGBT rights movement and want to do “something” to prove they’ve been with us all along.
They, or staffers, set fingers to keyboard and produce more lame, tired, and boring self-promoting confessional bilge. We have all seen it, heard it and been sickened by it. It is time to move on.
The straight confessional, or “personal evolution story” (PES), goes as follows:
I am from a part of the United States where there are few homosexuals or homosexuals are just not out. I grew up without knowing any homosexuals and hearing awful things about them that deeply troubled me though I never said or did anything about it until it became important to my business.
At university I knew there were homosexuals in the student body, but I did not get to know any of them due to a busy class schedule. When homosexual issues arose on campus, I was assigned to other issues. I never attended any homosexual events in my life as I was too busy with other issues.
As I watched situation comedies on television, I began to laugh at and be highly amused by comical and buffoonish homosexual characters. I found homosexuals very funny and shared homosexual jokes at work and in my social circles with friends. We all shared laughs about homosexuals.
At my firm, I hired a young woman with an excellent resume and superb relevant past work experience. She began work and shared with colleagues she was a lesbian.
When I heard the news I had actually hired a homosexual, I had reservations about the homosexual. Still, I wanted to give the homosexual a chance. To my surprise, the homosexual excelled at her work assignments. I became friends with the homosexual at the office.
As a result of our friendship, I learned of some the social and economic problems the homosexual faced. I began to consider these problems and sympathize with the homosexual.
I invited the homosexual to my home to meet my wife and kids. The homosexual acted normal around my wife and kids. My family liked the homosexual. The homosexual actually seemed to like my wife and kids.
When same-sex marriage was legalized in our state, my family and I attend the homosexual’s marriage. My family had our photographs taken with the married homosexual couple.
We displayed this photograph with the homosexual couple in our home. We discuss our friendship with the homosexuals with our friends who have not yet evolved on homosexuality.
At school, my children are friends with classmates of same-sex couples. My kids like their classmates and their homosexual parents. All of this is due to my decision to hire a homosexual.
At my firm, I put the homosexual I hired and her wife on the company health insurance plan. I solved this problem for a homosexual couple.
The homosexual I hired is now partner with my firm. This is the first openly homosexual partner my firm has had.
I am looking to hire more homosexuals because, based on my experience, homosexuals are normal and hardworking people who you can take home to meet your family.
My decision to employ a homosexual is the way to positive change in our society. More employers should hire homosexuals.
Dear reader, by now you realize why I hope the verbal, print, audio, and blog version of this past its prime confessional should leave the world with 2014. It is ancient. It serves no further purpose in 2015 except to nauseate readers.
This “I Really Learned to Like a Homosexual” story served its purpose in the 1980s. It now reads like a childish storybook “I like Jane and Jane.”
In 2014 we are normal already. Lots of straights like us already. We don’t have to be gay clowns anymore.
For those straights who were unaffected by “I Really Learned to Like a Homosexual” confessional stories, billions more versions are not likely to produce positive diversity results or additional personal evolution stories.
For 2015 forward the LGBT community should search for a more effective and intelligent way for straights to tell the world they actually really learned to like a homosexual. Something more original than a gay version of “I Really Learned to Like a Straight” is in order.
For the numerically inclined, “Sarah added $25 million to my firm’s bottom line in 2014. Sarah is a lesbian,” or “Vinh’s quick turnaround on a mission critical task won our firm a $500 million contract. Vinh is a gay man.”
Metrics work for me. Let’s put as many Sarahs and Vinhs as we can to work in 2015.
Human Rights Advocate Jim Patterson is a writer, speaker, and lifelong diplomat for dignity for all people. In a remarkable life spanning the civil rights movement to today’s human rights struggles, he stands as a voice for the voiceless. A prolific writer, he documents history’s wrongs and the struggle for dignity to provide a roadmap to a more humane future. Learn more at www.HumanRightsIssues.com
