What a week! So many high emotions! So many low emotions! So many mixed emotions! I am so grateful for the many strides for the advancement of equality – and the many progressive benchmarks reached – and passed!
California Faith for Equality said: “We woke up in a different world this morning, a world where equality for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people is embraced by the populace. As the results of the election continue to come in we know we live in a country where:
• Maine, Maryland and Washington’s citizens support marriage equality
• Minnesotans refused to allow bigotry to be written into their state’s constitution
• Tammy Baldwin (D) will be the first openly lesbian United States senator
• Mark Takano (D) will be the first openly gay person of color to serve in Congress representing California’s District 41
• LGBT California Assemblymembers including Speaker John A. Perez, Sen. Mark Leno, and Assemblymembers Tom Ammiano, Toni Atkins and Rich Gordon were re-elected.”
We celebrate equality! And, as the votes were tallied, no matter what the results – there are many people (almost half of the country/city) who are upset and are having to accept what is. This is true in elections, and this is also true in so many areas of life.
I want to talk to you about acceptance. And this isn’t about politics. I was thinking about what to write last Sunday after church – knowing this week was going to be highly emotional. I didn’t know what the results were going to be, I didn’t know how I’d be feeling … and so I wanted to focus on the practice of acceptance in life. Because life doesn’t always go the way we want it to go.
If I were to give you something and you were willing to receive it for what it is, you’ve just practiced acceptance. But, if you are left, wanting more from me, or with the expectation that it’s anything more than what it is, then are you really practicing acceptance?
To receive something for what it is – without protest or attempting to change it, that’s true acceptance. Now, this can be more difficult at some times than others. There are times that you may be faced with an uncomfortable situation, that though, it may not be ideal, when you choose to let it be what it is, that is practicing acceptance.
Self-acceptance is being loving and happy with who you are – now. It’s an agreement with yourself to appreciate, validate, accept and support who you are at this moment.
For example, think of acceptance of yourself like being OK with where you’re living right now. One day you might want a change or have this dream house in your mind, but there are advantages to your home right now. So you can be happy with the house you have now and still dream of your dream house as a reality later.
Self-acceptance leads to new life, with new possibilities that didn’t exist before, because you were caught up in the fight against reality. People have trouble accepting themselves for many reasons. Some have this misconception that if you are happy with yourself, you won’t change things about yourself – and you won’t grow. This isn’t true, you don’t have to be unhappy with yourself to know and actively change things you don’t like.
Acceptance could be called the first step in change. The desire to change can actually be helped by the practice of acceptance and change may require acceptance for it to come to fruition.
To accept things for what they are is acceptance. You may ask, “How can acceptance be used to resolve situations where a person feels disturbed by something or someone?” I’m glad you asked! Once there is full acceptance, then it may be a catalyst for change. So, the change has to come from within yourself, and that can only be faced after acceptance.
There is also a difference between acceptance and resignation. Acceptance doesn’t mean you put your hands up in the air and say, “I give up!” Realization has a lot to do with acceptance when it comes to loss of any kind (relationships, jobs, opportunities, or the death of someone close to you.) Accepting a person is gone when dealing with death can be one of the hardest losses to find the strength to practice acceptance.
Acceptance of a loss, whatever the loss is, doesn’t mean you are forgetting or that you won’t ever feel sad again. Acceptance is a turning point that means better things are to come.
It can be hard to define the stages of acceptance when dealing with loss, for example. You may think your feelings should be more intense, or different or that you should feel better or worse. Just remember acceptance comes in phases just like everything else.
Elizabeth Kubler-Ross has indicated five stages by which people usually deal with grief and tragedy and ultimately it must end in acceptance.
Understanding the five stages that ultimately end in acceptance not only helps you come to acceptance, but can help you comfort someone else while they find acceptance. The steps to acceptance don’t necessarily come in any order, nor are all steps experienced by all people. People may switch between two or more stages, returning to them several times before finding acceptance.
As people experience the stages they shouldn’t force the process. Just be aware that the stages will be worked through and the ultimate stage of acceptance will be reached.
Finding the way to acceptance is very personal and should not be rushed, or lengthened, or have any imposed time frame.
The stage of denial is usually only a temporary defense for people. This feeling heightens awareness of situations and is important in bringing about acceptance. “This can’t be happening, not to me.” When a person is feeling this or another form of this, they will more than likely soon recognize that denial can’t continue.
They may move on to the stage of anger. “Why me? It’s not fair!” “How can this happen to me?” “Who is to blame?” are all examples of how anger replaces denial and is part of bringing about acceptance.
The stage that involves bargaining usually comes in the form of some type of negotiation with someone or God. “Just give me one more chance, I’ll change.” “I’ll do anything for another chance.” Sometimes bargaining works to avoid acceptance for the time being, and when it fails it’s usually followed by a stage of depression, and the person begins to dwell on the magnitude of their problems (they feel sorry for themselves). Because of this, they may become silent, become distant, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying or grieving. They may revisit other stages to acceptance even disconnect themselves from things they love, and people they love and refuse affection. The sad thing is that little can be done to cheer up an individual that is in this stage, though it’s an important stage, and only time will lead them to acceptance.
When a person says, “I’m so sad, I’m so frustrated, why bother with anything?” “I miss my loved one, why go on?” They may be crying out for someone to listen to them and feel their pain and help them find acceptance.
When a person starts to find peace and understanding then they are finding acceptance and may say things like, “It’s going to be OK.” “I can’t fight it, I may as well accept it.” And when they have acceptance their whole outlook will change. Then the real change can begin.
Think about situations in your own life where this may be the case … or in the life of a loved one. Know that practicing acceptance is a gateway to healing. We’ve just come through a very divided election in our country and in our city. It is only in unity will we be able to move forward. To accept what is, work together to make positive changes for that which we love and then move forward – together.
Romans 15:5-7 talks about God giving endurance and encouragement – and giving us a spirit of unity. Why? For what purpose? So that we may be able to proclaim, with one heart and mouth, the Good News of God’s unconditional love to all people. Folks, we have Good News to share – we have a message so vital, so vibrant, inclusive and progressive that people are hungry for in our world today!
It’s a message that has its roots in the marginalized and oppressed, and it’s a message that transcends any group.
So, Romans admonishes us to accept one another – with our warts and pimples, just as Christ accepts us! This is what we need to hear – and take into our hearts. Hear it!
You are accepted by God – therefore we can accept ourselves and each other. And we can also accept those things that come into our lives, no matter how difficult they may be. Not in a “throw up your arms” way, but in a way of accepting what is and then being able to heal, grow, learn and move forward.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” says God, “plans for your good, to prosper you – and not for your harm, but to give you a future with hope …”
We all want the good things God has for us, our families and friends. Through the practice of acceptance of what is, people and situations for who they are, we will find peace. Acceptance will help us find that peace – together – and make this world a better place. Amen.
Rev. Dan Koeshall is the Senior Pastor at The Metropolitan Community Church (The Met) in San Diego, California, themetchurch.org
