“I’m just starting to live authentic to my spirit and my biological make up,” said Michael Davis, trans-female and actress/hairstylist for a television series. “We all start as females in the womb. Some of us are born with male parts, but I am hard-wired more as female. It’s how I think and feel. I still have desires. My sex life is different, but I think eventually it’ll be fantastic.”
Davis started the medical process of affirming her authentic gender identity and gender expression as a woman less than a year ago with hormone therapy, but she feels like she’s been living “in-between” two genders ever since she was a child.
When she was eight years old and growing up in Arizona, her parents dressed her up as a scarecrow for Halloween. They took her to a Mormon Church for a children’s party. There were costumes there for other kids, and when no one was looking she put on a wig and a dress for the photo booth. When they got the pictures back nobody knew who the little girl was, but her cousin recognized her shoes and she told relatives it was her. It was awkward.
“I always felt like I should have been a woman,” Davis said. “As a child I would wear my mother’s mop heads for hair and my dad’s empty beer cans as my high heels. I didn’t know why I had to dress different from my sisters. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t wear dresses.”
As the years passed, her parents became more accepting, and she experimented with punk makeup and drag. She started publicly expressing her femininity in a career as a female impersonator named Audacity. It brought her to San Diego in the 1990s, and she was known around Hillcrest for her commanding performances as Madonna, Cyndi Lauper and other music divas of the day. Her signature character was Marilyn Monroe. She performed regularly at The Escape and The Flame. Her day job as a hairstylist eventually led her to work in Hollywood doing hair for television and film. Drag eventually became more of a fun hobby, but she never let it go completely. She kept her drag clothes, and always had a drag room wherever she lived.
Last year Davis decided to follow her heart, and she started taking estrogen. Her transformation has become increasingly drastic in the last few weeks now that the sum of the parts are adding up.
“I went from looking like Philip Seymour Hoffman to Marilyn Monroe,” said Davis. “I’ve been talking about this for 25 years, but I just didn’t have the balls to do it.”
When she looks in the mirror as she goes through this process, she says she looks more like her real self now.
“Before, the only time I looked and felt right was when I was in drag,” Davis said. “Now my body is morphing. I used to have large forearms and now my muscles have slimmed down. The hair on my body is finer and not as thick. I’m slowly changing. My skin is smoother and softer.”
As for the male parts of her body, nothing has noticeably changed. Some trans-women want all testosterone blocked. “I want my ‘stuff’ to still work,” said Davis.
Probably the most difficult part of Davis’ journey is deciding what to do about her eight-year- relationship with her lover, “D.J.” She says it has been challenging for years. She has been on a roller coaster ride of angry and sad emotions that she attributes to the testosterone that had her “crawling out of her skin.” Now that she’s on estrogen, she has calmed down considerably.
D.J. has been seeing Davis go through some “trippy” changes over the course of their relationship. They met and fell in love in New Orleans while Davis was working on location working on a movie. D.J. left everything behind to move to Los Angeles to start a new life and be with her. Those early days in L.A. were, if anything, bittersweet – certainly far from hunky dory. Davis became very stressed out with work. Then her mother died, and it was a lot to deal with. She stuffed her feelings with food and soon became overweight. She’s been struggling with her size for many years of her relationship with D.J. Friends noticed Davis becoming more angry and depressed as the years rolled on. When she started hormones last year, they noticed her personality did a 180; she was genuinely happy for the first time in a long time.
“Part of our relationship is better now because I’m nicer (on estrogen) instead of being ‘Sybil’,” said Davis. “I had a major hormone imbalance. My testosterone was always making me angry. When I went through puberty I got boobs. So I’ve had an A cup all my life. Now I’ve been on (estrogen) for more than six months. I’m also taking testosterone blocker. I feel more comfortable in my body for the first time in my life; like when I was a kid before puberty. I feel like I can relax.”
The most drastic change in Davis’ appearance came when she went from her short boy haircut, to 12-inch hair extensions.
“It was pretty amazing seeing the change. I came home and D.J. cried when he saw me,” Davis said, “The old me that he knew and loved was almost gone. I’m becoming ‘her’ and I feel amazing.”
However, Davis says she does feel sad in a way. She’s sad for D.J.; sad for his loss.
“There’s part of me that mourns my boy-self,” she said. “Every time I look in the mirror it’s like looking at the real me, but I’m not used to seeing me. I have security cameras and I was like ‘who’s that lady in my yard?’ and it was me!”
D.J. is becoming more withdrawn as Davis’ transition progresses.
“All I can say is that I know I love her, but I know I’m not straight,” said D.J. “It’s going to get to a point where we’re platonic. I don’t know how soon this is going to happen, but it feels like I’m waiting for some cue.”
One of the major issues in their relationship is that D.J. is a gay man who’s attracted to gay men. When they met, Davis was a svelte strawberry blond guy. Her breasts are now growing much faster than a trans-woman starting from a flat chest.
“I will definitely have to be with someone who’s into breasts,” Davis giggled. “Even though I’ve had small boobs all my life, it is different now. I was 55 pounds heavier. As my weight went down my boobs got bigger. Now I’m hoping to be a C-cup. I told one of my friends and she got jealous. They’re growing fast and they really hurt. D.J.’s still tripping out on how small I am, and how I look so much different. It’s like watching the old me fade away.”
Davis has always had a lot of female friends. One could say her feminine energy drew her to other women.
“As a guy, she was gregarious and had a larger-than-life personality, but she seemed more comfortable and true-to-self when dressed as a woman,” said Sara Williams. “The vivaciousness of her personality was at full tilt when she dressed in drag – which led me to believe this is how she really viewed herself: innately female.”
Davis and Williams met in New York while clubbing in Greenwich Village. “I’m so happy that she is making the transition,” said Williams, “Now her physical self reflects her internal self: her soul. Now she can live life unabashedly and without apology. I’m excited to see where this journey takes her.”
Looking back on her childhood growing up in Arizona, Davis’ mother was always accepting of her feminine behavior, and she let her do whatever she wanted. Her dad was an ex-con and he was disappointed by her femininity. Davis remembers arguing with her parents about why she couldn’t play with dolls. Her dad wanted her to play with trucks, but she remembers he couldn’t tell her why she couldn’t play with dolls. Her mom stood up for her and argued that it would make her a better father. So then her dad allowed it. Then when she went through puberty, Culture Club was big and Boy George was a star.
“I was like oh, I can do that. It’s OK now,” said Davis. “Back then I knew I was gay, but I didn’t know about transgender people until I was in my 20s. Then I wanted to be like them, but back then the only way most of the ones I knew could only support themselves by prostituting.”
So through the 1990s she did hair by day and drag at night. Being ‘Audacity’ made her feel the most comfortable and outgoing.
“Most people don’t look at themselves honestly and see what they really are,” said Davis. “I knew I wanted to be a woman but it wasn’t acceptable. I was never attracted to feminine gay men, and all through my 20s and 30s I dated straight men.”
She admits it wasn’t really dating. It was just sex. They were in the closet or just bi-curious. She wasn’t able to hook up with gay guys without it feeling awkward. There were several attempts but nothing stuck. At least not until she met D.J., but she says he’s more like a straight guy.
Right up until this transition started, Davis hated shopping for boys’ clothes. She would hit up Target or thrift stores because she “just didn’t give a shit” about how she looked. A hairstylist colleague took her out to lunch, and he said she was a fantastic hairdresser but she dressed like a stage hand. Because she came in direct contact with the stars, she needed to dress the part. However, now Davis feels free and she can dress the way she really wants to dress: in women’s clothes.
“I still wore my old boy clothes as I first transitioned,” said Davis, “With my weight loss I looked homeless in my fat boys’ clothes. So I didn’t pay bills for like a month or so, and I went out and bought all girls’ clothes. I wear all girls’ clothes now. I just have a few comfortable T-shirts from the old days, but now I wear women’s clothes all the time.”
Her style is decidedly girly. Davis likes pretty much whatever Kelly Osbourne would wear. A year from now, she would love to retire from hairdressing and get out in front of the cameras instead.
“I think most TV shows will have trans-actors like the token gays in many shows now,” said Davis. “I want to be one of those trans-actors. I want one of those parts. I love acting; and why not? I’ve been in show business for the past 20 years; watching and picking up tips. So why not?”
Among the most unexpected effects transitioning has yielded is the way it makes her feel physically. She says she’s much weaker physically than she was before.
“Like opening a jar is harder. I sometimes feel vulnerable,” said Davis. “I used to feel like I could defend myself because I was strong as an ox. So now when I’m in public, when I come across some straight guy that has an issue with me I get scared. It’s like some of them can smell your hormones and they pick up on your vibes. In Hollywood this guy was like ‘hey baby’ until he saw my package in my boy jeans and he was like ‘what the f?’ I had to get out of there really quick. When I come across a straight guy who has an issue with me I sometimes get a little scared.”
Davis is grateful for how many people have been so loving and kind to her, as was the case at the last TV show on which she was worked. Her colleagues went out of their way to tell her how much they support her. Some even told her that watching her transition was been a wonderful experience.
Davis recently changed her profile picture on social media. She thinks most people will probably assume she’s still just posting drag pictures because they don’t yet know she’s transitioning.
“On Facebook I’ve dropped little hints like ‘under construction,’” said Davis. “I’m a little afraid to announce I’m a trans-female. At some point I guess I’m going to have to, but should I really?”
So that brings us to the present when Davis is at the most profound crossroads of her life. Davis is on the verge of ending a love affair and launching her acting career. In June she attended a historic first-of-its-kind workshop in Los Angeles for trans-actors. The Casting Society of America and trans-performers are collaborating to include more transgender actors in the future of television and film. The two day seminar was attended by more than 70 performers and filmmakers. Attendees were given a crash course in casting including audition techniques and scene work. This month she is starring in a Project Greenlight music video and she has a part in a film. There are more auditions and projects in the works.
Her dreams of becoming a woman and becoming an actor are coming true, but will her love life live on?
“D.J. and I both realize that we probably won’t be together as a romantic couple because he’s not attracted to trans-women,” said Davis. “All my buttons have changed and he doesn’t have the new instruction manual (laughs).”
