The holidays should be a time that we spend with those who accept us unconditionally and support us with a safe and enriching environment. The holidays for many of us can bring on additional layers of stress in an already complex life! For LGBT individuals, this season can be a minefield when it comes to managing emotions and the expectations of others. Substance abuse may be the only avenue you know to calm your brain and relax. This time can also escalate existing addiction issues. Many of us may take the once per year obligatory trip home to visit with family members who often have little understanding of our sexual orientation and our lifestyles. Many of us are estranged from our families and the alternative social gatherings that beckon to us are often started early in the day with mimosas and bloody marys. Some are welcomed guests at open houses, office parties and holiday social events. This month’s article is for any of you reading who are in recovery from addictive substances. It’s also for all LGBT readers, especially those who are gaining increased insight into the excessive substance abuse that has been leading to disruption in their life balance.
The road sign of a problem with addiction is when joy becomes sadness and you find your compulsive and addictive behaviors are starting to spiral out of control. The holidays bring out every excuse in the book to eat, drink and be merry with friends and loved ones! As a society, we drink for various reasons. We drink to loosen ourselves up in social settings, to enhance our meals, to be part of a culture where alcohol is an integral part of celebrations. We drink to mourn our losses and to temporarily feel more confident in relationships. Making the adjustment to a sober holiday presents challenges, but adjustments can be made.
Holidays are never a time to stop an effective life of recovery or the treatment plan that has been working for you. If you are an alcoholic, you cannot drink safely. Gather your sober friends around you and avoid the raucous drinking events of your past. Know your environment and know what your plan is to escape the lure of partying to be part of the crowd. Our local San Diego recovery community knows how to have a great time! There are sober dances, marathon 12-Step meetings, sober parties and small gatherings that support sobriety.
Live that authentic sober life you deserve! Here are 10 suggestions for a safe sober holiday. If you are a football fan then own this as your playbook!
1. Have a plan.
2. Record your personal plan!
3. Write down your sober supports’ names and phone numbers.
We all need our go-to people – people we trust and those who know our wounds, hopes and dreams. We need the people who know and support our quest for authentic sober lifestyles.
4. Ask for help.
Your life matters. Period. You are worthy and deserve to reach out and ask for help and support.
5. Set your schedule and structure.
Avoid waiting for the invitation and put your own plans for sober fun into action early on. Early sobriety for many and ongoing sobriety require a schedule and structure to the day. Utilize a calendar of your choice and account for each hour of the day. Fill in the basics such as rest, meals and self-care. Fill in your sober support meeting times and your social plans.
6. Eat a full meal prior to going to a party!
Avoid relying on finger foods to fill you up. The days of filling up on alcohol and getting that buzz are over. It is now time for healthy balanced meals at regular times in the day.
7. Have your “mocktail” ready!
I always encourage my patients to buy themselves a really fancy special glass to take to their parties. Go into the party with the glass full of your favorite virgin drink! Party hosts are more concerned with the fact that you have a drink in your hand, not whether it has alcohol in it!
8. Give back!
Instead of thinking what others can do for you how about doing for others!
9. Take care of your own personal needs.
This is time for slowing down. It is time for you to increase your self-care and pamper yourself! Enjoy living and take the time for a long walk, a long hot bath, a day at the spa.
10. Accept yourself!
Easier said than done, you say. Well, pull out a journal and start writing positive affirmations about yourself. Do something different now. Instead of being your own worst enemy, move in the direction of being your own best friend. During our 2015 holiday season, be on your own team.
You may not have learned what you needed to know to prepare you for life as an LGBTQ person. Now is your time to learn, grow and avoid the trap of using substances to fit in or to feel good about yourself. Now is your time to slow down, take inventory of your strengths and surround yourself with safe, supportive friends. As we reflect back on the events of our lives in 2015, we may also take time to strengthen ourselves and each other with sincerity, truth and authentic living.
Patricia Bathurst, LMFT, is the director of Foundations San Diego, an outpatient recovery facility located in Hillcrest at 3930 Fourth Ave., Suite 301, San Diego, CA 92103. Ms. Bathurst is a certified advanced addiction counselor as well as a licensed marriage and family therapist. Questions for Pat? Contact Foundations San Diego at 619-849-6010.
