Many of us in the LGBT community are blessed to have “two” families, one we were born into, and the one we have chosen. For those of us who have been rejected by many in our blood family, our chosen LGBT family has taken a most important position and meaning in our lives. Like many of you, I have felt the rejection of parents, grandparents and almost my entire family, but God has blessed me so very deeply with an LGBT family and friends almost my entire life. They have sustained me in my darkest hours and brought me joy, laughter and comfort. Some have become my sisters, brothers, and yes, some have become my sons and daughters and grandchildren.
Let me tell you about one of my beloved sons, Kurt Cunningham. I met him in his twenties when one day he pulled up in his car while I was walking to the Hillcrest Post Office and made a big mistake of offering me a ride and telling me how much he liked my weekly column in The Update. Kurt told me that he wanted to get involved in our gay community and the rest is history.
He started getting involved in different causes and projects and especially loved the Imperial Court. He started his involvement with the Court as a “prince” and wore uniforms and tried to fight off the “queen” growing inside him, but she soon took over and he told me one day that that his new drag name was “Summer Meadows” and he wanted to run for Empress. Of course he was elected and I gave him the royal symbol of the “Peacock Empress” which was the symbol of Empress I Tawny Tan, who had died of AIDS. Kurt’s mother stood right beside her son during his crowning. She was his rock; she showed him unconditional love and was his best friend. I will never forget when Kurt told me one Mother’s Day that he had two mommies and a few years ago when his mother passed he told me that he now only had one mommy and from that day on I reached out to him even more.
Kurt was upfront about his depression, mental illness and thoughts, and yes, about his attempts at suicide. He was upfront about his drug addiction struggle. Because of my own battles with depression and drug addiction, he would many times reach out to me and open up.
For a very long time Kurt battled depression. I remember visiting him in a hospital’s mental ward and he was there giving comfort to another patient! You see, throughout his decades of depression and loneliness, he was always still helping other people with their problems, always extending his hand in friendship and support. Yes, Kurt knew he wasn’t perfect and would sometimes get angry and lash out, but the noble deeds and caring this Peacock Empress, friend, brother, son and community activist did were endless. He was open about living with HIV-AIDS and devoted a lot of his time and talent to HIV-AIDS causes. He started a scholarship fund for handicapped people and loved our LGBT Center, volunteering at the front desk.
And Kurt Cunningham truly loved his LGBT family and friends and you all know who you are. He would tell me about all of you and your adventures and social outings. You will never know how much joy, laughter and meaning you all brought to his struggle to live. If it weren’t for you, we would have lost him years ago. Yes, it is true that Kurt left a seven page letter after his suicide … he was tired and could not fight any longer and none of us could have stopped him once his mind was made up.
But Kurt doesn’t want us to give up on each other but to reach out more to each other. He challenges us all to make more of a focus and education in our community on mental illness, depression, alcohol/drug addiction and suicide. The recent suicides of five San Diego transgender teens really got to him and he felt we were all letting down our youth and not doing enough for them.
Although my son Kurt Cunningham could not continue the fight for himself anymore, he demanded that we continue the fight for those who are suffering depression, alcohol/drug addiction and mental illness.
Sunday, Nov. 1 at our LGBT Community Center let us come together to celebrate Kurt Cunningham’s life and try to grant him his wish of a more loving and caring community.
You will always have a place in mommy’s heart … rest in peace, my son.
The shock of Kurt’s death still looms in me. He was there for me when others shunned me. He was there when I need a shoulder to cry on. Like many of my past and present friends,Kurt shined through. Last year I almost lost my life to Kidney failure. I fought a huge fight, and came out with only the loss of a few toes. While finding the sheer strength to walk on my own.without the help of physical therapy, I started my new journey on life. Why & How? Because Kurt told me to fight! I still can’t understand why he would not go to someone for help? But I knew he was in great pain to go this far. For the past week I have watched and listened to many. Some good words. Some bad! And this is what I have to say to the bad words! It takes a strong person to take their life! To go to the realms of darkness. And not find the strength to call out because your so exhausted from the fight of being human, it hard. I have personally been to this realm. And I did not like it. But I know deep in my soul that my friend is with the others that went on before me, at peace. Looking on us all, sometimes with a whisper. Sometimes with a gentle breeze. They let us know they are still with us. I will miss his laughter and smile. If I need him to brighten my day? I will call him from a far. Life is infinite in my eyes. Not the your born then you die kinda thing. But the you love forever. And he will always be my forever…..
Nicolas could not have made her feelings anymore clear. We all have better lives due to our brother Kurt Cunningham.
Beautifully written, Nicole. Thank you for sharing your story. Kurt was a darling man.
Thank you, Nicole, for your lovely tribute to Kurt. You don’t use social media but you should know what an impact he made for the thousands of members of the San Diego LGBT community who do. We felt his pain and his joy, and his strong concerns about the loss of our young transpeople. When he talked about his Mom, we all thought about our Moms, when he shared his angst about a job interview, we all were transported back to those emotions. When he got his job, did his Pride workout thingy, when he shared the excitement of a potential new love, we were there. His death has also brought us to another uncomfortable place, hopefully one that makes us settle down from our frenetic lives and reflect – on what we are doing for our community, on what we can and should be doing to assist our young folks, trans, LGB, questioning, confused, and what we should be doing about our own mental health and what to consider when thinking about the mental health of others.
Kurt’s death has opened up a hole in our collective community, but hopefully one that can be closed with stronger commitments to others – the ‘crazy’ person at the front desk of the Center, the homeless kid on 5th Avenue, that friend who seems to have drifted away and is spending more and more time in his or her apartment.
I’ve gone on and on but one last thing – when I heard about Kurt I immediately thought of you and how losing ‘your son’ would impact you. I’m glad you wrote so personally about someone important to you when so many in our community think of you as ‘just that celebrity’. Please take care and my condolences.
QM Nicole, Your Majesty, lovely tribute. Thinking of you and the loss we all share so greatly. xoxo
I believe I have met curt a few times with my sister Courtney Ray.. my heart aches for all of you who are missing his human touch, hug words of wisdom. May he be at peace in a better place where he is completely whole. Depression and alcohol is a tough place to be in..I know it all to close. ..I feel how loved Curt was and is.. please all go on in his memory and make such sadness into a legacy for your sweet friend.
Kurt -you were a stranger I’ve never met , not even sure how I came across this Beautifully written tribute but it cried tears for you,your loved ones and the depressed,mentally ill and suicidal individuals I work with on a daily basis.Maybe I was meant to read this post to better myself and my work -goodbye sir -I think I will wear Peacock colors to work today ❤️