Longtime community activist Kurt Cunningham ended his life yesterday. This summer Kurt was a contestant in our 2015 Pride Health Challenge and was one of the finalists. On the day of his death, Kurt had hundreds, if not over a thousand, Facebook posts of condolences, from his friends; all who were heartbroken. This editorial is for you.
Many of you rightfully celebrated your relationship with Kurt. But there were some who expressed dismay and sadness about an inability to help him. Unfortunately, everyone who is clinically depressed cannot be helped. It is no one’s fault, it is a simple fact. That’s why I said Kurt ended his life as opposed to committed suicide. No judgment.
No one commits breast cancer or complications of diabetes. But to “commit” suicide somehow places blame. Blame that is completely not warranted. We shouldn’t blame patients for their physical illnesses and we shouldn’t blame patients for mental illnesses either.
Kurt was completely self-aware, so much that he was trying to destigmatize his own illness by working in mental health. He was working as the LGBT Outreach Coordinator at Mental Health America of San Diego County. Yet as he tried to help others, Kurt’s own illness was consuming him. Right before the eyes of his family and friends. Just like cancer, diabetes or any other illness. Loved ones watch as their beloved deteriorates.
A life dedicated to helping others, yet Kurt could not help himself. No more than my 86 year old mother could heal herself from old age could Kurt heal himself from his mental health issues. And just as I wished I could help my mother, Kurt’s family and friends wished they could help him. In the end, there are some things that are totally out of our control.
So friends and family of Kurt, grieve, be heartbroken, it is your right. But do not feel any guilt. You were there for Kurt. As I was there for my mother. Some things are just the way the world works. Celebrate Kurt’s contribution to this world and our community. That is the way to honor him. Give to Kurt’s causes, support those communities he cared for; make a difference everyday as he tried to do.
Be a peacock, one of Kurt’s favorite creatures. Show your feathers and your uniqueness no matter how different. Kurt would laugh and love you for it. As we did him.
Editor’s Note:
Always remember there are those who care for you. There are services out there that are available to help those in need.
http://www.up2sd.org/find-help/resources/suicide-prevention-and-support
Steve – Thank You. A broader understanding of mental health issues and compassion for those who suffer under them is what Kurt would have wanted us to learn from his extraordinary life. This is a lovely tribute.
Paul, you are absolutely right! Thank you Steve for writing it and thank you Kurt for loving, caring and giving your all to everyone. I promise to continue the work we were just discussing to join forces on a few days ago over iced tea…your light shines on!!
Thank you for this message.
Thank you for this touching and much needed testimony… RIP Kurt
Kurt helped so many including myself at different times. He was a true friend! Thank you for this article it helps many to understand and he at peace.
Thank you, beautifully said.
Steve- Thank you for that moving letter. Depression is quite insidious. Although I had only known Kurt in passing, my former partner Ron did know him fairly well, and also battled depression up until the end. We absolutely have to help to de-stigmatize suicide. So very sad. My heart goes out to Kurt’s family and friends.
Sending prayers and healing energy for all family and friends. Thank you Paul for such a beautiful memoriam. Reach out and share your love for family, friends and community. Support each other, support those that need our help.
I do not know this person but I wept as I read the article recalling my own battles with depression at various times. As sorrowful as the occasion is… This piece is so eloquently written and speaks volumes as to the character of the individual, and the nature of this struggle. May all those who knew this person find comfort in knowing that he is now at peace.
Thank you for explaining this in a way I had never read or heard before. I will never use the term “committed suicide” again. I didn’t know Kurt, but my condolences go out to all his family and friends.
Thank you for your touching memoriam. I had never read or considered your POV on the taking of one’s own life and wholeheartedly agree that the term “committid suicide” is judgemental, and that’s just wrong. I will never use the term “committed suicide” again. I didn’t know Kurt, but it hurts to wonder what he must have been going through. My condolences go out to all his family and friends. 🙁
THANK YOU for writing such a lovely goodbye for Kurt. He was such a determined friend who got people to listen and get involved. I’m fortunate for the 15 minutes I got with him in my life. I appreciate your write-up very much.
The most beautifully written and compassionate essay on suicide I have ever read- both for the departed and the loved ones. ♥
I’m so sorry for this young man! Just the fact that in the process of helping others, he could not fight his own illness! I have suffered depression myself, and it is indescribable! But I have overcome! I get down , sometimes, but I jerk myself back! Prayers for Kurt and his Family
A beautifully written editorial for a man who helped so many, and brought light to an issue that afflicted him, by being brave enough in trying to soldier on in front of so many people. His presence will surely be missed by many, many, many people.
Thank you for this loving tribute of a longtime friend. You’ve stated here what so many of us have had trouble expressing. For that, I am very grateful.
Thank you for this beautiful post. It is eye opening and touching.
This is very sad news but I really appreciate your take on what has transpired.
I never knew this man in life but he’s managed to touch my heart in death. Let’s appreciate his memory and let’s try to appreciate each other more often, especially on Thanksgiving Day!
Thank you for the tribute for Kurt. Very well wrote and thoughtful. My best wishes to his family for some solace and healing.
Thank you for such a lovely post about our friend. You hit the nail on the head and while many of us will wonder how we didn’t see it coming, or could not have helped in someway, the reality is that we all have our own challenges to live and deal with and no one truly knows what those are. Kurt helped and touched so many lives, and for that, his life was a success even if shorter than we all would have liked. RIP Kurt…you are loved and that is really all that any of us can ask for out of our time on this planet.
I did not get to meet Kurt in life but I am so impressed with your tribute to him and the way in which you discuss mental illness and the too frequent way people find to deal with their incessant depression. Your tribute is personal, readable to lay people and yet subtly political. This country needs so much more in mental health services for all communities, not just those that have good insurance. My warm and healing thoughts are with Kurts family and friends.
Kurt, I will miss your easy smile and your friendship.
I did not know Kurt although he lived and worked in the city in which I live. His story so touched me today, on my 53rd birthday, as I battle depression and have contemplated the same desicions. Yes it is insidious and it creeps up on you without any warning. A kind word at the right time really can do more than you can possibly imagine. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’m usually coldly rational when I’m contemplating ending my struggles. You just never know what bubbling under the surface. Always bring extra kindness, you never know when someone will really need it.
Always remember there are those who care for you. There are services out there that are available to help those in need.
http://www.up2sd.org/find-help/resources/suicide-prevention-and-support
Thank you so much for this perspective, Stampp. So well put and true. I hope the hundreds if not thousands who Kurt inspired will not be dispirited by his death, yet more resolved than ever to beat back the beast of depression and sadness. And know they are not alone.
We will continue to do Kurt’s work! He would expect that of us. We will simply go forth…
That was really beautiful, very well said, and a nice way to help the grieving better understand the loss. Thank you, and blessings be with you Kurt.
thanks for yr message & for shedding lite on mental illness, I myself suffer
from depression, its like a thickness that tries to engolf u its a constant battle not to let it, hard to go out of your comfort zone! I commend Kurt for pushing himself to do this, so much easier to help others than yourself! don’t judge someone’s journey until you walk a mile n their shoes, RIP Kurt xxxx
Always remember there are those who care for you. There are services out there that are available to help those in need.
http://www.up2sd.org/find-help/resources/suicide-prevention-and-support
I challenge the statement “everyone who is clinically depressed cannot be helped.” As worded, it means “no one who is clinically depressed can be helped.” I could not determine from the rest of this article whether this is the message you intended to convey; but either way, it is categorically untrue. It would be more accurate to say “not everyone who is clinically depressed can be helped.” Because maybe not all of them can, but some can.
I meant not everyone Miranda..thanks.
Thank you for this very well worded and eloquent article! I am sad to hear the news;(. Rick D.
I didn’t know Kurt, but have several friends who did, Such a shame that this beautiful smile and caring person is gone. Your tribute was beautifully and sensitively written, Steve..
Thanks for sharing this. Kurt was especially concerned about our transgender teen population and it’s heartbreaking to know they lost an advocate of the highest order. I’ve only known Kurt briefly but, his passion about helping those with mental health issues is the one thing I will always remember. R.I.P. Kurt, at last you can stop hurting but, you won’t be forgotten as a warrior to focus our attention on our LGBT teens in crisis.
bullshit article in my opinion re: blame. i sadly relate 2 his issues, n can tell u that 2 many ppl these days in our self-absorbed culture take a hands OFF approach n think its the individuals problem 2 resolve. most depressed ppl r overly emotional n caring ppl, n the prob is not them, but the crappy ppl in their life n their enironment. its often 2 difficult or overwhelming 2 change things. he obviously had enuf n decded 2 leave us rather than 2 continue dealing. morons wil not understand this. the ppl 2 blame were the ones closest 2 him who didnt do or say enuf 2 help him. i hope they forever feel bad. RIP kurt. PS: u also know nth about depression.
Bingo. He didn’t have any real friends. The article was written from a place of guilt.
obviously guilt, but also denial. another sad example of people blaming the individual (kurt), telling him 2 go get help; n not looking at all the crappy ppl who negatively affected his environment n life as the real problem.
I met Kurt on the dance floor at Mo’s three Halloweens ago. I was Thor and he was in a fat costume. I danced and chatted with him. He seemed like a nice enough guy and at that time I had no idea of his work of activism. When Kurt excused himself to the restroom, his “wingman” or “gatekeeper” came up to me and started asking me questions. I’ll talk to anyone, so I was happy for the conversation. The guy told me that he was out with Kurt and FIFTEEN of their mutual friends. He asked me who I was with and I told him I was alone and didn’t have many friends in Hillcrest. That’s when everything changed. Alone? There must have been something wrong with me, is what that guy’s facial expression told me. Instead of inviting me to meet the rest of the group of 15 I was treated like a pariah. By that time I had really had it with that kind of attitude I had been facing throughout Hillcrest, the cliques, the exclusion. What happened that night wasn’t unusual. I’ve since come to the conclusion that this neighborhood is not a “community” at all, but just a random collection of strangers who all fall into groups which shut out others, especially if you are alone. I stopped going out and socializing among the gays a long time ago. Hillcrest has been the most unfriendly place I’ve ever lived and I have not found any deep connections with anyone here, only endless shallowness. This has led to my own struggles with depression and wellness. I’m happy to say that I am over all that and embrace being alone in the midst of the “vibrant” gay neighborhood.
People who commit suicide are rarely those who have a sense of connection to others or a sense of place. I wonder where those 15 people from Halloween were on Saturday night for Kurt. It’s really sad that I didn’t get a chance to get to know this person whom I’ve since become more familiar with through his writings. He seemed to be a profound soul. It’s really too bad a few days ago I didn’t get a chance to whisper into his ear, “They’re not worth it.”
u nailed hillcrest on the head. sadly, it also speaks of other cities, like dallas, where i live. its ironic n tragic that gays demand that straights b inclusive, yet gays r often exclusive n clicky with their own kind. its time 4 ppl 2 wake up. its time 4 all ppl 2 b more loving n compassionate.
Kurt was my first mentor at the Center in 2011 when I worked with him at the Center’s front desk for 6 months. He helped me understand, as much as a straight ally could, the struggles and challenges of the LGBT community. I’ve never met anyone who was as generous as Kurt. I feel so sad when I think of his pain.
It is my belief that some people are terminally I’ll with depression. And so they die with depression just like others die of other diseases.
It is my hope that each depressed person would pursue all treatment available to them, but for some the disease cannot be adequately controlled.
@Robert. I know exactly what you mean having gone through exactly the same situation at Mo’s.
Gay or straight; most people I have encountered in SD are either jaded or too much “drama” surrounds them. It is a common city-life environment. It sometimes feels as though folks feed off drama so they can try and control any loss of friends they currently have.
There are the few that are real people that you will eventually find I hope. Depression is the social pariah not you. If only we could extract the depression from ourselves or flip a switch so we can feel normal sometimes. That would be wonderful. I wish you the best.
What a devastating loss.
I wish we could have prevented this.
There are many people working on ways to improve suicide prevention research – including myself. See zerosuicide.com for a systems approach.
I completely agree about the language: died by suicide is preferred.
But I felt compelled to post with a request regarding this statement:
“Unfortunately, everyone who is clinically depressed cannot be helped.”
As a clinician, I refuse to believe this. I will never give up.
Please be careful about communicating the idea that suicide is inevitable for some people with severe depression or other mental illness. People with suicidal thoughts are bound to read this, and it can reinforce the idea that this is inevitable. This can be dangerous. I have the right to say this because I’ve been there myself, and worked with many suicidal individuals.
I’m so sorry Kurt lost his fight. My heart goes out to his family and friends.
I knew Kurt for years. When I was sick with my own depression he was my rock. I lost contact with him and recently searched for him on Facebook to find that he died. I can’t imagine that he wanted to die so bad that he would carefully plan his exit. I was unable to see his last Facebook postings as I shut down my page years ago. Can anyone tell me what he posted in his final days? I am having a really hard time with this. It doesn’t make sense. Yes, Kurt was the most giving person I ever met. He was so lonely and craved acceptance and love. I will miss him.