As a progressive, I believe there are many names for God and many ways to God; this article reflects one of those ways. Take from here what works for you. Celebrate life with joy and peace!
This is the second in a four part series on The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. The Four Agreements are simple – and very powerful.
Let’s recall the first agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word – Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
Today, we look at the second agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally – Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
This is easier said than done. It’s not so easy, when we hear someone criticizing us or judging us, to not take it personally. When we take it personally it hurts; and it will continue to hurt for as long as we hold on to it.
When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others you are free. Sometimes I’ll admonish people to “Be a duck!” They look at me strangely at first, and then I explain. As water beads up and rolls off a duck’s back, so let whatever it is that you’ve let attach to you – negative words, actions or even a look – let it go! Be a duck!
Proverbs 12:6 says, “The words of the wicked are a deadly ambush, but the speech of the upright delivers them.” Words have power!
Let’s say you’re walking down the street, minding your own business, and someone comes up to you and says, “Gee, you don’t look very well today. Are you feeling OK?”
The first thing we do is start to think, “Is something wrong with me? Well, what is wrong with me? Do I look sick? Maybe I don’t feel well? Come to think of it, I think I feel a headache coming on!” You know what I call that? I call that “stinkin’ thinkin’!”
It’s stinkin’ thinkin’ when you take what someone else has said (or even inferred) personally. By doing that, you give them power. You give the power of their negative word power over you. Don Miguel Ruiz says, you take it personally because you’ve made an agreement with whatever was said. As soon as you agree to whatever they’ve said, the poison power of their negative word goes through you, like an arrow or a bullet and you’re wounded.
So here’s something to learn: It’s not always about you!
What others say and do is a projection of their own reality. We never know what someone is going through. We never know the pain they are in. What they are silently suffering inside; what they’ve internalized and stuffed down and what’s inside of us, especially if it’s bottled up, will eventually come out; one way or another.
Many times, hurt and pain come out in biting words, in sarcasm, in belittling someone else and in gossiping about someone else. These words and actions come out in the futile attempt to make ourselves feel better; often at someone else’s expense.
How many of us feel responsible for others and then you want to fix them and just make them all better and more joyful. The truth is we are responsible for some things. We are responsible for our actions and our reactions; however, we are not responsible for fixing others; that’s God’s job and their job, together.
Toltec wisdom says that nothing others do is because of you, it’s because of themselves. Even when a situation is very personal and you go ouch, even if others insult you right to your face, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are their business, not yours!
When we take things personally, we may feel offended, and when we feel offended our automatic reaction is to defend our beliefs and our version of the truth. When we do that it creates conflict and drama. Oh, we can make something so big out of something so little, can’t we? God help us when we feel the need to be right so strongly that it hurts our relationships.
In my old age, I’m learning a new trick: How to respond in non-defensive ways. Let me share.
First of all, decide to be willing to hear criticism. It’s part of life; life isn’t all about accolades and compliments. If you feel hurt when you’re criticized, find the underlying belief in you and inquire into that thought.
Instead of saying, “You make me feel …” You can say, “When you say that, I feel …”
Or you can choose to respond with one of these:
“I hear you.”
“You could be right.”
“OK”
“I’ve thought that too.”
… and then speak your truth, not in a self-defensive way, or an opposing way, just your truth in a non-judgmental way.
Know the truth. The truth is you’re loved. Know that you’re loved. When you truly know you’re loved, you don’t have to have the need to be accepted by someone else because you’ve already accepted yourself and you know how much God loves you. Isaiah 55 says, “For as high as the heavens are above the Earth, so is God’s love for you.”
I remember a sermon that Rev. Tony Freeman preached where he said, “If God had a wallet; your picture would be in it.” And you’d definitely be in the camera roll on God’s iPhone! That’s how much God loves you!
When you take nothing personally you have such great power and freedom. The whole world can gossip about you and if you don’t take it personally you are immune to that suffering. Someone can intentionally say hurtful things and if you don’t take it personally, you’re immune to the pain.
There’s a song I grew up with, “What the World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love.” Many times I’ll shake my head and say, “Can’t we all just love each other?”
In Romans 12:9-18, the church in Rome is exhorted to love each other. “Let love be genuine; hate what is evil or divisive, hold fast to what is good; love one another with mutual affection, outdo one another in showing honor. Do not lag in zeal, be ardent in spirit. Serve God with your time, talent and treasure. Rejoice in hope, be patient in suffering, persevere in prayer. Contribute to the needs of others; extend hospitality to strangers.”
Agreement No. 2 says, Don’t Take Anything Personally. Turn the negative around like our reading goes on to say, “Bless those who persecute you/ bless and do not curse them. Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Live in harmony with one another; do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly; do not claim to be wiser than you are. Do not repay anyone evil for evil, but take thought for what is noble in the sight of all. If it is possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.”
What a powerful admonition. We sure need this in our world right now, don’t we?
God wants you to live to your full potential. What is the limit of your potential? It’s limitless! So … Go forth and multiply your potential!
Rev. Dan Koeshall is the senior pastor at The Metropolitan Community Church (The Met), 2633 Denver Street, San Diego, California, themetchurch.org. Services every Sunday at 9 and 11 a.m.
