Some years ago, a young candidate for City council reached out to me for some advice. He was gay and wanted to come out publicly as a vast majority of San Diegans did not know, though he never hid it.
In the last decades I’ve become used to GLBT people of all ages reaching out to me for advice, information, assistance etc. and I have mentored many local, state and national activists and leaders.
When I first met Carl DeMaio I was immediately very impressed at how intelligent and knowledgeable he was about government and the political system. But I was also taken aback to realize that though Carl was a proud successful businessman who happened to be gay, he really knew hardly anything about his own community as up to this point he totally focused on his business and government reform. I left our first meeting thinking: young, nice, smart guy, but kinda a boring nerd.
Carl “came out” in a San Diego Magazine interview by then editor, Tom Blair who also happened to be gay.
He won a huge victory in the primary election that year becoming the first openly gay elected City councilman, followed later that year by Todd Gloria.
Carl DeMaio wanted to get to know his GLBT community better and that’s how we became close; in many ways I introduced him to our San Diego community and organizations.
Soon, we became very close and would sometimes talk late into the night. I became a father/mother figure to him and soon I learned about the cancer death of his mother at age 11 and how his father abandoned the family a week before his wife died. We talked about how his siblings and he were split up and how he ended up with the Jesuit priests with a few dollars and a duffle bag. We had deep talks about his difficult childhood, but what impressed me was how he prevailed and his hard work ethic that resulted in him becoming a successful businessman.
There was one major problem when it came to Carl DeMaio and most of our GLBT leaders and activists – he was a Republican. Without even meeting or getting to know him, many in our community disliked him immediately and judged and condemned him, yes, because he was a Republican.
One time when I took him to an LGBT Center event, a high-ranking gay Democratic office-holder actually took me to the side and told me to stop bringing Carl to community events, but I still did anyway, though most of the time he received a cold reception from most of our leadership.
I gave Carl a book about Harvey Milk (the Mayor of Castro) and told him to read the chapter about the year Harvey won and how the established gay leadership worked against him and even ran another gay candidate against him.
Sometimes some GLBT leaders and activists got so negative and nasty toward Carl that he wanted to stop his involvement with our community. But he got involved with Stepping Stone, Townspeople, Being Alive, and The Trevor Project etc. Anytime I asked him for support of our community’s Children’s Easter Egg Hunt, Toys for Kids Xmas Drive, Backpacks and School Supplies for Children, food drives etc. he always came through with support … never seeking headlines.
I took Carl to the Barrio Station for Latino youth and he became a strong supporter; but all this never mattered to many of our Democratic partisan gay leaders. As long as Carl was a Republican he was the enemy.
It was at an AIDS benefit that Carl DeMaio met businessman Johnathan Hale and they haven’t been apart since, now going on six years.
Johnathan Hale, like Carl, also had a most rough and difficult childhood. Since the age of seven Johnathan went from one foster home to another only to suffer abuse, beatings and, yes, rape. He ended up at a home for troubled boys and teens and like Carl DeMaio turned his life around.
When Carl DeMaio ran for mayor I did not support him because I didn’t feel he was ready and never got to know all the communities of San Diego. Also, I had been a close friend and supporter of Bob Filner since the 1970s. I also got into a big personal fight with Johnathan, so Carl and I parted ways. Yes, during this vicious, negative mayoral campaign I too joined the ugly attacks on Carl and, to be honest, a lot of it had to do with my personal hurt and anger.
Though Carl had a 100 percent voting record when it came to GLBT civil rights issues, the left wing Democratic gay activists and leaders campaign to destroy Carl DeMaio has never stopped. And soon they started attacking and trying to destroy his partner, Johnathan Hale.
In about half a century of involvement in politics and our community I have never witnessed such a nasty and vicious campaign as the one aimed at Carl. They even stooped to spread an ugly “bathroom” smear attack on Carl that even then Council President Tony Young and Council President Todd Gloria condemned as pure lies.
Now don’t get me wrong, Carl DeMaio is not the perfect candidate and I don’t agree with him on all the issues and Johnathan Hale is far from perfect (and so am I and who is) but the Carl DeMaio and, yes, Johnathan Hale of two years ago are not the same. These two young men have grown, experienced loss and life more, matured and deserve you to learn more about them and get to know them on your own. Not what editorials, commentaries, ads and, yes, even my column say.
This is my challenge to each and every one of you: do your own homework and make up your own mind. Thank you.
Nicole Murray Ramirez has been an award-winning columnist since 1973, and a Latino and gay activist for more than 45 years. He is currently a city commissioner and has served the last seven mayors of San Diego. He is also a national board member of the Harvey Milk Foundation and chairman of the International Court Council of the USA, Canada and Mexico. In 2013 Murray Ramirez was named “Mayor of Hillcrest” by a City proclamation. Nicolemrsandiego@aol.com
Did some homework. DeMaio gay-baited Nathan Fletcher, thinks gay rights is a “social issue” and not a civil rights issues, takes money from virulently anti-gay donors like Charles LiMandri, and is a typical self-loathing log cabin republican.
And he wonders why the LGBT community does not support him?
You fail to mention, Nicole, that Carl refused to oppose Prop 8 after he won his primary outright, facing no opponent. Despite Jerry Sanders and Bonnie Dumanis both campaigning against Prop 8, Carl said it was not an issue for his district. He was OUT and yet still refused to voice opposition to Prop 8. I think that speaks volumes about Carl.
Steven, he opposed prop 8 and voted to oppose prop 8. Do your homework
Sorry Max, it was Nathan Fletcher that sent out the “Reverend Aubrey” email gay baiting Carl DeMaio before the Republican Central committee. The story manufactured by LGBT Weekly to spin it in the other direction is a lie like most of the columns produced by Stampp Corbin.
Sorry Steven, the Prop 8 myth is also a manufacture lie by the LGBT left elite. Former HRC Steering Club member Arlon Staggs takes on that issue here http://www.sdgln.com/commentary/2014/05/05/open-letter-community-hrc-fred-sainz-wrong-about-carl-demaio-and-prop-8
No Myth. I spoke directly to Carl. And everyone who lived in San Diego at the time knows this is true. We lived it. I don’t need someone who didn’t trying to spin it another way. Carl was silent on PROP 8 during the campaign.
Carl DeMaio’s Big Gay Problem
By: Timothy P. Holmberg
Carl DeMaio has a big gay problem.
Unlike many of his Republican colleagues who have yet to emerge from the closet, the problem is not that he is hiding his gay identity. He has been living openly for quite some time now. No, Carl’s problem is that his community, the gay community, doesn’t much like him. Contrary to his insistence in numerous interviews, this dislike is not just relegated to some hyper-partisan fringe corner of our LGBT movement. Rather it is a broad based dislike that is palpable anytime he and his partner, Jonathan Hale, walk through Hillcrest.
An ever-increasing roster of reporters has pressed the obvious question of why the LGBT community seems to have such a special dislike for him and his partner. To be sure, for his part, DeMaio has been happy to fan the political flames with Democrats. When DeMaio’s office was recently ransacked, within a matter of hours he was on Fox News all but blaming gay Democrats for the vandalism. But even this, can hardly account for the visceral distaste in the LGBT community for all things Carl. So vivid is this dislike, that when DeMaio and his partner marched in a recent Pride Parade, onlookers for the length of the parade turned their backs to him in a display of rejection that even the most strident denialist would find difficult to miss.
So, is this just partisanship run amok? Have we all maligned DeMaio to appease our own guilty worship of the Democratic Party?
Hardly.
The San Diego LGBT community has a long list of Republicans we have embraced and blessed with our votes. Bonnie Dumanis, and Ron Roberts come immediately to mind.
DeMaio, above all else, is a Magna Cum Laude opportunist. His career, even as young as it is, is already littered with those he has betrayed in his climb to higher office. One such betrayal stands large in the LGBT community. DeMaio’s alliance with Charles LiMandri, the very attorney who defended Proposition 8, is demonstrative of what is driving the LGBT community’s revulsion. To have abandoned fidelity with our community by promising to be AWOL on LGBT rights in exchange for donor support is inexcusable. To do so and then stroll to a marriage equality victory party at the LGBT Center, and stand up on the stage alongside figures with true battle scars over that issue is frankly despicable. But such is the nature of Republican allegiances.
Perhaps it feeds DeMaio’s obvious narcissism to believe that Democrats fear that he will single handedly do what GoProud (the Republican LGBT group that recently folded) was unable to achieve. Already, DeMaio puts himself up almost daily as proof of some miraculous change within the GOP. To be sure, Republicans are running away in droves from their long-time pillar of mandated opposition to marriage equality.
But if DeMaio is in denial about the nature of the LGBT community’s distaste for him, he is blatantly ignorant of the nature of his own party. Even the most color blind Republican can see the marriage issue is lost, but this does not translate to an open embrace for broader gay rights. Even as “traditional marriage” is quietly shuffled out of party position papers, the new battle flag of “religious freedom” is unfurling at Republican gatherings across the country. And religious freedom is just the new code word for an LGBT version of Jim Crow. This is the new battle line that our community will have to confront with years of legal battles and activism.
This is not some new Republican party that has found its civil rights bonafides. Republicans want to exclude minorities and economically disadvantaged voters. What makes anyone think they want gays at the polls either? How many holes will Republicans shoot in ENDA before they jump behind it and claim it as an example of their newfound tolerance? Republicans have long been creatures of opportunism and unlike their idealistic Democratic counterparts, they are willing to place the ends above whatever distasteful means are necessary to achieve victory. And those ends, even now, do not call for full civil rights for the LGBT community.
As naïve as DeMaio would have to be to call his current band of “moderate” Republicans his political family, he is equally naïve about the nature of Democrat’s dislike of him. Democrats have put themselves on the line for decades over the cause of LGBT rights. They have advanced openly gay candidates to some of the highest offices, and been proud to do so. Legislatively, Democrats have pressed substantive legislation over the howling objections of the bulk of the Republican establishment. Democrats do not fear Republicans voting in favor of gay rights; rather, we would welcome them to advance real civil rights protections for the entire LGBT community.
But the Republican party of Lincoln is dead. It has been for over 100 years now. Lincoln himself would bow his head in shame at what Republicans of today have done to his party. Lincoln would never have voted to cut veterans funding. The man who helped end slavery would not have fought marriage equality. If anyone had threatened to shut down the Union over a budget dispute or healthcare, he would have fought them bare-fisted himself. Lincoln, the man who preached “malice toward none, with charity for all” would be nauseated at his party turning its back on the poor during the Great Recession while lavishing the wealthy with tax breaks.
But while these things are obvious to the LGBT community at large, they are lost on DeMaio and his merry band of thieves.
Julius Caesar had more loyal friends than Carl and those he has allied himself with. So forgive us if we refuse his invitation to join his Republican “friends”.
When will someone teach Nicole proper grammar? It’s getting embarrassing.
Well said, Timothy.
More homework about Carl. What say ye, Jeff Hanks?
2012: DeMaio Promised Gay Rights Would Not be a Priority for Him. In 2012, during his San Diego mayoral campaign, DeMaio “repeatedly insisted that gay rights w[ould] not be a priority for him as Mayor.” [Associated Press, 11/06/12]
DeMaio was “Publicly Silent” on the Anti- Gay Marriage Proposition 8. In 2012, the Associated Press noted that while DeMaio said he supported same sex marriage, he was “publicly silent on a 2008 state ballot measure to ban the practice.” [Associated Press, 11/02/12]
Accepted Campaign Contributions from Proposition 8 Backers. In 2012, during his mayoral bid, DeMaio accepted campaign contributions and support from backers of Proposition 8. [San Diego Union-Tribune, 9/19/12]
Anti-Gay DeMaio Donor: DeMaio “Promised Me, as a Condition of my Support… that he Would Not Push the Gay Agenda.” In 2012, the San Diego City Beat reported that DeMaio “specifically promised” Charles LiMandri, a Prop 8 backer and DeMaio donor, that he “would not push the gay agenda issues (including same-sex marriage)” as a “condition of [LiMandri’s] support.” [San Diego CityBeat, 5/21/12]
Former San Diego Log Cabin Republican President: “DeMaio Does Not Have a Track Record of Advocating for Gay Rights.” In February 2014, the former president of the San Diego Log Cabin Republicans said – as summarized by KPBS – that “DeMaio does not have a track record of advocating for gay rights.” [KPBS, 2/24/14]
Maxx, you have spoken well and give many telling examples of DeMiao’s behavior and his record on gay rights support, or lack of, shall we say. But while DeMaio, sometimes appeared to lack vocal support of gay rights, he never talked against us and his voting record is 100% pro-gay. Is this not a fact? As I understand, he was the first candidate, regardless of party affiliation, to march hand-in-hand with his partner in a GLBT event. Combined with many other contributions (as mentioned by Nicole Ramirez) he has, at least, been a vocal supporter on several occasions. Because I am a liberal, I was never a big fan of DeMaio… That is, until I met Bob Filner. Holy cow, Bob Filner was rude to me and totally crazy! Not just the first time, but twice. I asked myself, why would any gay person be down on DeMaio to the point that they would vote for a lunatic? I guess, what was obvious to me then, certainly wasn’t to others. I watched some of the debates and interviews on KPBS. No question in my mind, Bob Filner was a very hostel guy and absolutely nuts. Finally, I decided to go out and meet DeMaio. Much to my surprise, he listened to me and was articulate. He respected me for our differences. DeMaio passed muster and I decided to vote for him. The fact is that DeMaio had done far more for our GLBT community than Filner ever had. Period. I’m glad I’m not in DeMaio’s district, because I would probably vote for Scott Peters in the upcoming election. It’s a tough call, in my opinion. Tell me Maxx, do you have the courage to admit that Carl DeMaio has indeed done many good things for the GLBT community? Taking money from people for Prop 8 is definitely not great, but that is too far removed to accuse him of anything. Clearly, Carl DeMaio was walking a fine line. Had he actually supported Prop 8, it would have an entirely different scenario. Let’s face it: “guilt by association” is the most disgusting part of politics, regardless of party affiliation, and if you voted for Filner because of that, you made a terrible mistake. Filner didn’t help us liberals, he hurt us.
Russ Fox,
Can you say ‘deflection’?
Am no fan of Filner, but DeMaio has done what exactly. The first to march hand in hand? Doubtful.
Nicole–PLEASE stop demonstrating your ignorance of the English Language every time you write or speak.
“About Carl DeMaio and Me” please.
Perhaps your next piece will be “All about I” ?
this is so disgusting to hear how the lgtb community castigates anyone who doesnt toe their socialist line and run or vote democrat party. isnt that the definition of intolerance? it is truly disgusting to hear. who would want to support any of their candidates when they are against freedom of speech or freedom to choose sides, etc. the gay community sounds horrible.