One of my favorite TV moments is the West Wing episode in which President Jed Bartlet meets Dr. Jenna Jacobs, the Dr. Laura proxy, at a reception for talk radio hosts. In response to Jacobs’ claim that “I don’t say homosexuality is an abomination, Mr. President, the Bible does,” Bartlet unleashes a tirade of questions on the outsized Biblical penalties for other everyday sins, such as working on the Sabbath, touching a football and wearing garments of two different threads.
In a similar vein, I have a few questions for the religiously oppressed vendors who feel they require the protection of anti-gay laws like the one vetoed in Arizona.
If I am buying a cake for my wedding, am I required to disclose my sexual orientation? Must I start my negotiation with “We’re here, we’re queer and we’d like 3-tier?” so that you can fully exercise your religious freedom to refuse me?
If I just say the cake should read “Joel and Terry Forever,” how close to the reception can you back out when you discover Terry is also a male?
If you don’t find out you baked and decorated for homosexuals until you see the wedding photos, can I be prosecuted for fraud? Sued for damages to your soul?
For weddings with one or more transgender individuals, will you be considering their anatomic sex at birth, at present, or their true gender identity?
To avoid such confusion, do you intend to add questions of sexual orientation, gender identity and surgical history to the contract?
If ENDA is passed nationally or in your state, can the information from my denied cake request be reviewed in processing my job application or promotion? Is it possible that Christian Confections, Inc., would be unable to fire me for being gay, but could refuse to sell me a wedding cake? What if I baked it on company time?
How far up and down the supply chain will you apply these rules? Can your bakery supply store refuse to sell wholesale to a pastry shop that caters to same-sex weddings? If your usual delivery woman is sick the day of my wedding, and your temp driver is a devout Catholic, is my cake in trouble? If you get wind that the flour from your wheat farm is being used in my gay wedding cake, can you put a stop to it? Assuming your farm is in Kansas, which state’s laws apply?
To dodge those controversies, and to prevent me from passively supporting discrimination with my money, will you support proactively labeling products as “homophobic?” Should this be determined by a threshold, or measured on a scale? Either way, would you support documenting your employees’ religious beliefs to ensure that the homophobia content is measured accurately?
Should these regulations be the domain of the Department of Agriculture, or should it be Commerce so that nonfood products can be regulated? Do we need the Justice Department to sign-off on the documentation of employee religion to ensure the free expression of ours?
Don’t you usually hate regulation bureaucracy, and the Departments of Justice and Commerce?
How about you just make the cake?
