With last week’s historic decisions from the Supreme Court on DOMA and Proposition 8 as well as the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals ordering the Prop. 8 stay lifted, same-sex marriage is back in California. In addition, by ruling DOMA unconstitutional, the Court said the federal government will now recognize same-sex marriages in states where they are legal.
Anticipating the flurry of activity this will generate San Diego LGBT Weekly caught up with the nation’s leading same-sex wedding expert, Bernadette Coveney Smith, founder and president of 14 Stories.
Established in 2004 as the first company in the U.S. specializing in planning legal same-sex weddings, 14 Stories has offices in New York and Boston. Coveney Smith’s expertise has been sought after by the Today Show, the New York Times, the Washington Post, CNN, Travel and Leisure and National Public Radio, among others. Coveney Smith is author of the book Gay Wedding Confidential and a featured blogger on The Knot and Huffington Post.
San Diego LGBT Weekly: First up Bernadette, can you give us a little background on yourself?
Bernadette Coveney Smith: I’m 36, a Sagittarius, married to Jen with a 2.5 year old son named Patrick and I live in New York City. I’ve been planning gay weddings since 2004.
Tell us about 14 Stories and the Gay Wedding Institute?
14 Stories is the name of my wedding planning firm with an LGBT specialty, and we partner our clients with mostly gay-owned businesses in the course of planning their weddings. We provide full wedding production as well as elopement packages and have worked with hundreds of same-sex couples from around the world since 2004.
My mission is way beyond just planning a wedding. Our company is an activist wedding planning firm. We are supporters of several LGBT nonprofits including the Family Equality Council, Lambda Legal and HRC and also provide our clients with resources to build and protect their families.
The Gay Wedding Institute was created in 2010 to educate the wedding industry about the nuances of working with same-sex couples. The mission of the Gay Wedding Institute is to eliminate homophobia and heterosexism in the wedding industry. Through workshops, consulting and the certification course, the wedding industry is becoming more inclusive and embracing of same-sex couples. More than 1,000 wedding professionals from around the world have attended a Gay Wedding Institute session somewhere at some time!
Fourteen (fourteenstyle.com) is an online store with a clothing line of classic suit separates specially tailored for the lesbian, queer and trans community.
Why is a gay wedding different?
It’s not the weddings themselves which are necessarily that different but rather the planning. Coming out every time you call a new vendor makes gay weddings different. Thinking about how to walk down the aisle when you are two grooms makes the wedding different. Not having a ceremony in a church makes gay weddings different.
Gay weddings are also different because the emotions are heightened. The rights are not taken for granted and thus the ceremony often has some political references. The energy in the room is different. There are also logistical differences like the couple often gets dressed together, has the formal photos before the ceremony, has the ceremony and reception in the same place and starts the ceremony with champagne.
Many gay and lesbian couples choose to process to the front of their sacred ceremony space down not one, but two aisles. Jen and I did this; each of our attendants alternated going down the respective aisle, then Jen and I walked parallel to each other simultaneously.
It’s fairly common for a number of reasons; the main one being that in a gay or lesbian wedding, there is not necessarily a “bride” who is expected to be the center of attention. Many gay and lesbian couples who are marrying have been together already for years and want to walk separately and meet in the middle.
How do you plan a gay wedding?
Hire a wedding planner like me to do it for you! Start with a venue, and then save the dates. Then book people like an officiant, photographer, DJ or band. Then book a florist and wedding cake bakery. In other words, the planning timeline is similar to a straight wedding, except you have to think about finding gay friendly vendors, dealing with family dynamics, ignoring or reinventing traditions and so forth. Also, lots of same-sex couples skip traditions which are great, but if you do so, add some more elements to your reception to make it more fun. No garter toss? OK, great, well then how about a drag performance?
Cost is a big part of any wedding. What’s the best way to control those costs?
The biggest way is to cut your guest list! Guest food and beverage is the single biggest cost of a wedding.
How do gay couples go about finding LGBT-friendly wedding services suppliers?
Start with an online gay wedding directory such as equallywed.com or avoteandavow.com and then ask the vendors you find how comfortable they are with same-sex weddings. If you don’t find great vendors in your area on those sites, then ask around and look at local wedding blogs, and identify vendors whose work you like – but be sure to screen them for LGBT-friendliness.
What does a business need to do to be gay-wedding ready?
Quite simply, avoid making assumptions about anything. Ask open ended questions and listen a lot to what your client is telling you. Make all of your Web site and promotional materials gender-neutral and try to add some gender neutral photos as well. It also helps to understand the laws and policies which affect LGBT families and be an advocate for them.
Now that same-sex marriage is legal again in California, what will it take for other states to follow?
More gay weddings. The more gay weddings that straight people attend, the more acceptance there will be. The emotion at gay weddings is profound and contagious and will create a ripple effect of more states allowing marriage equality.
What advice would you give bi-national gay couples wanting to get married?
Consult a great immigration attorney with an LGBT specialty before doing anything else!
We are fortunate enough to live in America’s Finest City. With that in mind what thoughts do you have on the perfect gay honeymoon?
Definitely travel to a place where you can be yourselves … that’s the most important thing, an LGBT friendly destination and property. GayDestinationWeddings.com is a great resource and is where I refer my clients for their honeymoon plans.
What advice would you give San Diego LGBT Weekly readers who are about to pop the question?
Enjoy your engagement. Have fun together and take as much or as little time as you need. When you are planning your wedding, do what you want. If you’re not a traditional couple, then don’t have a traditional wedding. Feel free to create your own traditions and ignore any pressure you get from well-meaning friends and family who think they know best. And also, plan a really amazing, thoughtful, meaningful ceremony – because the marriage is the most important part and why everyone is gathered there for you.
