In a still-expanding market of self-help books, many of which seem to overlap, Coming Out to Ourselves is a refreshing nugget. “Nugget” because it is short enough to devour in one sitting and yet leave the reader fulfilled. “Refreshing” because it focuses on succinct, relatable issues around which we can easily wrap our minds.
The book by local minister Rev. Jerry Troyer doesn’t preach as much as it enlightens and makes the reader think. It could be said to be a self-help book for those who don’t like or shy away from self-help books.
The premise of the book is that “coming out,” rather than a one-time-and-it’s-done event, is an ongoing, evolving process. Especially to ourselves.
How often do we only think of coming out as something directed at family, friends and acquaintances? After all, as Rev. Troyer points out, “There probably isn’t a date on the calendar that can be identified as the day we first knew.” Just when we think we may have completed coming out, there is something more to explore, something more to learn, or we are thrown some curveball, and most of it deals with our own internalized issues of things like shame and guilt. They existed before coming out, and they are the baggage we have carried along for the ride.
Troyer lays the groundwork by crisply telling his story in the first chapter. It is one to which most of us can connect: denial, exploration, discovery, fear, feeling isolated, the myriad challenges that a life change and adjustment bring. He realizes the worth in us all sharing our stories.
It becomes evident that he is qualified to address issues such as guilt, forgiveness, anger, regret, resentment, love and even joy, because he has lived them. And he strives to help us dig into the root causes He knows that only by understanding the source of these problems, can we truly face them and find healing and move forward.
Troyer looks at the many different life problems that can affect our coming out process such as drugs, alcohol, weight, overspending and self-esteem. He does not hesitate to address addictions such as drugs and sex.
Without seeming overly neat and tidy or as if he has “the answer” for everyone, the author lays out and addresses, chapter by chapter, factors such as shame which need attention. He offers research and quotes but as enhancements, not to dryly and just repetitively make a point. He does not dictate but encourages us each toward our own truths, and prompts us to feel validated and affirmed in owning those.
In a relatively short distance, he covers a broad territory: reward and punishment, shame, being loved, truth, forgiveness, self-care, spirituality, joy and change. Troyer seems to understand that many readers have limited attention spans, so in each case, he delves to the heart of the topic quickly and adroitly.
Yet, the feel is not of being rushed or cheated but appreciated for our attention and time. Troyer sprinkles the book with a natural touch of humor, blending it in effectively. I am sure he won’t mind me repeating his feeling that “tolerance is something you do when you have a rock in your shoe.”
The author is not afraid to gently stretch our comfort zone, especially on topics such as shame and forgiveness. It’s a process he compares to “peeling the layers off an onion.” Each layer reveals something more, something deeper while getting us closer and closer to the onion itself.
Troyer is comfortable being our guide and chef. From his life experience, he knows this is the way to understanding and letting go. In fact, in one chapter, he compares our holding on to past negative feelings to a woman in a lake clutching a big rock. Afraid to let go of it, albeit feeling that “it’s mine,” she drowns. This is just one of many lessons he imparts to us.
The chapter on spirituality should bring no unease to those uncomfortable with religion. It comes from a “Higher Power,” inclusive, universalist perspective.
In fact, the focus in this and other chapters is much more about stimulating thought, giving perspectives, and sharing experiences to encourage readers to utilize what works for them and develop their own appropriate path. Troyer comes across not as authoritarian, but as one with some insight to share and a desire to help.
I would encourage readers, as I did, to freely mark passages that speak to them and then return to them. One that touched me was this: “But when we accept someone else’s truth as our own, without examining it to see if it is also really true for us, we run the risk of accepting that they know what they’re talking about.” Powerful stuff.
There is a smooth, easy flow and logical progression to the book. It wraps up with a path and process, hope and affirmation. I perceive it as a book to which one would be led to return for a refresher and reinforcement.
For those willing to both accept (or even consider) that we are not yet done coming out and explore what that means to our lives, this book will likely have an impact.
Coming Out to Ourselves is published by Balboa Press, a division of Hay House.
Rev. Troyer has scheduled a launch party Jan. 12, 7 p.m. at The Center, 3909 Centre Street in San Diego. All are welcome.
