It had been a later night than usual for Sparkey at The Midnight Sun with two birthday parties and the disco ball falling during the “Feliz Navidad” sing-a-long. It hit the unfortunate target of notorious Aaron.
Aaron was thrusting his five-foot candy cane above his head like a drum major.
“Feliz Navidad,” (thrust)
“Prospero Año y Felicidad,” (thrust)
The final “felicidad” thrust dislodged the disco ball. Sparkey could understand Aaron’s enthusiasm. The guy inhaled three Jägerbombs and was dressed in an elf costume ($28.99) that read “Naughty Not Nice.” And he hadn’t slept for four days.
Sparkey tapped 9-1-1 when the entourage of anorectics protested while dragging Aaron out of the bar. They tried to steal the cracked disco ball on their way out. Sparkey caught them at the gate and rescued the ball.
After the last bartender punched-out he sat contemplating the fractured mirror ball staring at him while sipping a Courvoisier XO Impérial cognac. ($175, aged 20-35 years) He thought, “At seven years each all those little mirrors added up to a lot of bad luck.” He decided the remains could make a cool Christmas decoration in his apartment. He’d add a flock of cotton “snow” and some twinkle lights. (Disco Ball, 16” $49.99 [new], Snow Blanket $12, LED Twinkle lights 21 feet long $15)
Gilbert Goldstein Mandamás is an A-list gay, rather, A-list queer. Having just finished a tutorial with his favorite student, David de Cleveland, Gilbert glided though San Marcos Community College on the air of his opinions. He chaired the Queer Minority Studies program, a position that few possessed and many coveted. It was two days before his last class and visions of gift ideas danced in his shaved head.
Trotting to the parking lot he waved hello to Mrs. Buckstops, head of the Grants Department. She returned the wave, “Hi Gil.” Gilbert cringed inside. No one had called him Gil since fourth grade.
The Southern California sunset glinted off his head as he opened the door to his metallic gray Prius to start his glacial drive down I-15 to Hillcrest. He kept occupied contemplating which book he’d buy to get back at Seth, his ex, for last year’s Proust. “Maybe Umberto Eco’s Foucault’s Pendulum ($51) in nine-point font?” he silently sniggered.
Dean and Jack, two white-haired bears, own and run a small knick knack and gift store. Opened in 1986, it survived two recessions and the landlord’s vicious rent hikes.
Sparky entered the store to the chime of “Silver Bells.” He was immediately drawn to the blown glass tree ornaments (cafepress.com). There was a pig in black leather, a blonde twink in sprayed on jeans examining his waist and a woman with a ’60s “bob” curling a barbell. The rainbow colored mule shoes jumped out at him (thefind.com). They would be perfect for his boss’ boyfriend. He’d get the gym rat in white towel for his favorite barista, Bo, at Sweet Buns on Fifth.
Gilbert threw open the door. “Frosty the Snowman” played. Dean immediately recognized him. Gilbert was in the habit of returning purchases three and four times. He needed to impress his returning tricks with a new conversation item. Dean was ready for the Brown alumni line.
“Professor Mandamás, how are you?” Jack droned.
“Hi, Jack. I just got back from New Zealand.”
“What were you doing in New Zealand?”
“I was recruiting for Brown. I’m an alumnus. They send me there to find new students – at least 150.”
“One hundred and fifty students?”
“No. I.Q. of 150. What do you have new for Christmas?”
Jack smiled generously. “We have some chocolate covered hand-cuffs – they’re chocolate covered pretzels from Bavaria. And some brown finger warmers with a discount coupon for Crisco. Let me show you,” he said knowing the professor couldn’t return half-eaten pretzels or greasy hand warmers.
“I’m going to Estonia this spring to lecture.”
“What are you lecturing about this time?”
“I’m lecturing on Altering Masculinity in Greenwich Village: Bi-racial Men Who Have Sex with Men with Proclivity for White Jeans, 1965 to 1969.”
“I remember those.”
As they milled about, Sparkey and Gilbert exchanged glances. Neither was the other’s ideal but each found something attractive in the other. Sparkey chirped, “Hello.” Gilbert managed a pained grin that he thought was a warm smile.
Blustering in to “Ave Maria” Gretchen’s gym bag swung ’round as she closed the door grazing a miniature “pre-lit” flocked spruce ($97, 4ft with 438 LED tips, ornaments at additional cost). She would have preferred “Little Drummer Boy.”
“Hey, watch the tree!”
“Sorry, Dean.”
“Oh, it’s you, Gretchen.”
“Evan. Call me Evan.”
“Oh, yeah, yeah. Evan your beard’s comin’ in.”
“Thanks. My shots are really paying off.”
That was Dean’s hook. “We just got a shaving kit. It has a gold razor, not real gold, ‘gold toned’ in the European style. Look here – see the size of that handle? Made for a boy like you” ($30, coolshaving.com).
Finding a gift to satisfy Murray, Gilbert’s gay brother, was always a challenge. What could he get for a “mileage runner” (compulsive traveller) who flies to Boston, hangs out at Logan for three-hours then jumps a flight back to L.A. to hit his 100,000 mile mark? For Murray it wasn’t about the miles; it’s about attaining elite status.
Dean wrapped Sparkey’s ornaments while Jack bagged Gilbert’s chocolate handcuffs when they heard “We Three Kings.” They turned and saw two drag queens. All took a moment to register the feminine creatures. Each queen had big hair (starting at $37, blonde, $15 for red), trench coat ($425 and up, Burberry double breasted), 8” heels (deals abound) and wrap-around sunglasses (seasonal rate). The sun had already set. Dean and Jack grew suspicious.
“Everyone, get down on the floor!” screeched the red head as she pulled out a tazer gun.
The blonde snarled, “You heard her! Down!” No one dropped to the floor for they believed it was a stunt.
“I have a tazer in my hand and I’m not afraid to use it.”
Gilbert clutched his chest and crouched. Evan dropped his knapsack. His legs strode and then he found himself lunging in front of the counter pushing Sparkey out of danger’s way.
“Put the gun down. I’m making a citizen’s arrest.”
“You heard her. She’s not afraid to use it. Shoot him, Tracey.”
“I told you not to call me by name!”
“Sorry, I …”
“Shut up, Jerry.”
Leveling her gaze at Evan Tracey purred, “You’ve been warned, missy.” She pulled the trigger. The tazer’s head shot out two feet and nose-dived to the carpet.
“Jerry, you said you recharged the gun!”
“I did recharge it. The socket went click when I plugged it in.”
“That was a circuit breaker, you idiot. C’mon, let’s get out of here.” As they ran for the door Sparkey admired their skill at running in high-heels.
Gilbert groaned, “Call 9-1-1.” He began to have an asthma attack. Evan searched his pockets and found his inhaler and administered three puffs to Gilbert’s mouth.
The gold shaving kit (in the European style) was Evan’s award for his bravery. The customers patted him on the back and thanked him as they shot photos together. After the police took the final account of the attempted robbery Sparkey and Gilbert looked at each other one last time. Neither said a word, each resisting the risk of committing the vulnerable act of initiating a conversation. Jack and Dean closed the shop early. It was bear night at the bar down the street and they were ready to relax.
After walking the cockapoos ($825-$950 each), Beckham and Ga-Ga, Sparkey sat down to watch American Idol and wrap gifts. He opened the bag to discover chocolate covered hand-cuffs.
Now he had a reason to strike-up a conversation. Heard on the streets
We asked people around Hillcrest which gifts they were giving and gifts they’d like to receive. The iPad and Kindle Fire were popular choices along with framed photographs of friends. A few memorable responses were:
“For myself, Burberry cologne. A trip to New York to see Sister Act. While I’m there, a trip to the jewelry district to get a ring – I don’t care if it’s a ‘blood diamond.’ A commuter bag from Coach and a long black Armani P-Coat. And to get laid. A salon make-over for my mother. For my nephew a Nerf gun. For my brother, shirts from Nordstrom.”
Restaurant server, 30
“I don’t need anything … I always wanted an easy-bake oven and my sister’s three-story Barbie townhouse. Peace-of-mind.”
Theme park manager, 43
“My mom wants a lava lamp.”
Retail associate, 28
“Kindness, generosity.”
Student, 36
Don’t Forget
• Season or single tickets for Cygnet Theatre, ION Theatre, The Globe, La Jolla Playhouse, San Diego Rep, Write Out Loud and Moonlight Amphitheater for musicals
• Green Gifts at treehugger.com/giftguide
• Donation to your favorite non-profit, which may allow for a tax deduction
