Having watched the Republican Primary debates unfold, it has become clear to me that you will soon run out of candidates to surge to the top of the field. With nearly a month until the Iowa caucuses, only Rick Santorum and John Huntsman have not had their day in the sun. Before you again beg Gov. Christie or former Gov. Palin to enter the race, may I suggest you consider me for the Republican nomination.
I realize this is a strange request for a gay Democrat, but I am ideologically closer to mainstream Republicans than Congressman Paul, and perhaps Gov. Huntsman. I also bring qualities to the race that are similar to many of the current candidates, without their obvious weaknesses.
First, I meet this year’s base criteria for a consideration – my name is not Mitt Romney. While our last names do share 4 letters, our first names are completely different, which gives me an edge over Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich.
Like Speaker Gingrich, I am a professor; however, I have not taken money from Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac as an immunology consultant. In fact, they have declined to even purchase my mortgage, making me ineligible to refinance under government assistance plans. Combined with the fact that I drive a Ford, this makes me a bail-out free American, a point I will stress to the base.
Both Sen. Santorum and I hail from Pennsylvania; however, I left my last job there voluntarily, not by losing re-election by 18 points, and my last name has not been equated with a “byproduct of anal sex.” Thus, I believe I bring a better chance of carrying this swing state in a general election.
After Pennsylvania, I spent 11 years in an important Republican constituency: The South. While I lack Gov. Perry’s authentic drawl, I have learned to occasionally say “y’all” in the endearing way that does not commit the cardinal sin of faking a Southern accent. I have also attended two NASCAR races, an Alabama/LSU game in Death Valley, and been told that going to Emory Medical School “made up for the fact that [I’m] a “damn Yankee.”
Consider the prior sentence evidence that I can remember three things, another distinction from Gov. Perry.
My time in Atlanta should help me, like Mr. Cain, keep Georgia in the Republican column. Mr. Cain’s age may mean he has met and not harassed more women, but given zero accusations against me, my 100 percent unharassed ratio beats his 99 percent. Combined with my pro-choice stance, this should let me narrow the gender gap better than Mr. Cain or Rep. Bachmann. My blue eyes are usually described as dreamy, rather than crazy, another advantage over the latter.
My softball team can vouch for my ability to make pizza, though I admit never having delivered one, as Mr. Cain has. Like Rep. Paul, though, I have delivered babies and am a physician. I will use my credibility as a doctor to demand that the Affordable Care Act be repealed and replaced. Since no one will ever ask what I plan to replace it with, I don’t expect my slant toward a single payer system will be a problem in the primary.
Like many of the candidates and almost candidates, I am an opinion contributor to a news outlet. It’s not Fox News, but San Diego LGBT Weekly does have a clear bias (pro-LGBT), leaving me well-situated to attack the “lame stream” media, e.g., “Don’t let political insiders and the New York Times tell you a Democrat can’t win the Republican nomination.”
Given the chance, I will quickly be seen as the most electable candidate. I am more moderate than Gov. Romney, but I consider flip-flops to be footwear, not a political strategy. As a Democrat from California, I can put 55 more electoral votes in play, while red state social conservatives will vote for me by default as the Republican nominee. I won’t pass any part on their agenda, but neither did either President George W. Bush. A promise to appoint “strict constructionists” should suffice, until I find the next Justice Souter.
I realize I won’t have a campaign infrastructure in Iowa, but neither do Gingrich and Cain. Following their example, I plan to turn my columns into a book and go on tour. By the time of your response, I should be well poised to maximize my profits during my two week surge to the top of the polls.
Sincerely,
Joel Trambley, MD, PhD
Registered Democrat
Republican presidential hopeful
Hope you win the primary. You get my Democratic vote in Nov.